daddy phase
i used to wonder why middle school girls are so mean to each other. why the seismic shift of affections, the dramatic purchasing and demolishing of “best friend” necklaces, the endless note-passing and back-stabbing, and the constant labeling and striving for that which is popular?
yesterday, as my children were wailing (again) at the prospect of spending time with me while their daddy went out for a jog, it hit me: middle school misery is part of the preparation-for-motherhood process. only such a colossal test of self-esteem could come close to readying a gal for the sucker punch that comes when, apropos to nothing, she falls out of favor with her children.
when “the daddy phase” began a few months ago and my children began approximating time spent with me to sharing a cage with a hideous monster, i remained strong. i returned their unhappy scowls with hugs and kisses. when the monkey set aside an entire day to cry about the misfortune that his preferred parent has a full-time job, i remained calm. when i returned home from a two-day vacation last week to the monkey’s disappointment that “i didn’t stay away longer,” i made myself ignore these words. but yesterday’s pathetic chorus of daddy-wanting hysterics was just too much. if you can’t beat ’em, join ’em. i starting crying myself.
so here i am, 34 going on 13, dissecting the anatomy of the popular parent. from my non-randomized qualitative study of one, i can conclude that popular parents are not preoccupied with cooking, cleaning, folding, and typing. popular parents are fun! they are like cruise directors, shuffling two kids to four fabulous locations all in the time that it would take me to locate and cram on the necessary shoes. never mind that popular parents just grab the first ill fitting shoes they see. everyone is having the time of their lives!
the next thing i know, i am also studying the anatomy of the unpopular parent by way of yet another non-randomized qualitative study of one. at its best, this “research” leads me to the conclusion that unpopular parents are simply not fun. at its worst, it is a bit like what anne lamott calls KFKD radio:
“out of the left speaker will be the rap songs of self-loathing, the lists of all the things one doesn’t do well, all the mistakes one has made today and over an entire lifetime, the doubt, the assertion that everything one touches turns to shit, that one doesn’t do relationships well, that one is in every way a fraud, incapable of selfless love, that one has no talent or insight, and on and on and on” (bird by bird).
i made it through middle school in one piece. surely i can keep myself intact in the face of a couple of preschool boys. step one: find a new radio station.
Tags: anne lamott, daddy phase, kfkd radio, middle school, parents, popular
March 21st, 2011 at 11:31 am
I’m definitely the less popular parent. Maybe I’ll get to be the popular one sometime? This gives me hope, of a sort.
March 21st, 2011 at 12:02 pm
i’m laughing. i’m crying. we are in the daddy phase, too, and i thought it was just me! i never thought marrying such a fun person would be completely pitted against me one day. we’re lucky, but it sure is hard. (btw- did i mention i’m NOT the fun parent?) you’re amazing, mary allison!
March 21st, 2011 at 12:19 pm
I hear almost daily that they wish I was the one who went to work all day instead of daddy. I just have to keep on keeping on, because I have to believe that at some point, they would want to be fed and have clean clothes in their drawers! here’s to being the un-fun parent.
March 21st, 2011 at 1:02 pm
I like to use the daddy phase to my advantage, such as “I would give her a bath and put her to bed, but she really wants you.”
March 21st, 2011 at 2:15 pm
My almost 3 year old daughter is in the ‘daddy phase’ now when it comes to outside playtime and some other times. I’m waiting for the ‘daddy phase’ at bedtime and in the middle of the night–that would be good and could come soon as we prepare to welcome a new baby this spring who will require lots of mommy attention at first, and especially during those times!
March 21st, 2011 at 2:47 pm
I never went thru that phase when they were little but boy am I going thru it now with my 13 yr old. However, neither her dad nor I are any fun, she can’t stand either one of us right now. Im told though that if your teenagers hate you then you are on teh right track. boo
March 21st, 2011 at 2:47 pm
Right now I am still the most-loved parent since Scarlett is only 12-months old but I can see that the “daddy phase” will come someday because her father is the one that gives her rocket ship rides. I’m the one who makes her eat vegetables and go to bed on time. Whenever it happens, it will really and truly break my heart. I am sorry you are going through this. Hang in there, MA. Just remember that your kids really love you!
March 21st, 2011 at 8:03 pm
That’s the story of my life right now. Jef went out of town a few weekends ago and I was really excited to have a full weekend with wally. I woke up early saturday morning, made pancakes, found the coolest cartoons on and waited for wally to wake up and see how cool mom really was. He woke up asked for cereal and then I asked him what we should do and his response was ‘ It really doesn’t matter mom, Jeffs not here so it won’t be any fun anyways.’ Heart crusher!!! I was told tonight to go make dinner because I couldn’t play star wars correctly. But, I will always be the first person wally runs to when he needs a hug and a kiss. So, I guess I can live with being the nurturing mother rather than traveling far into the depths of wally world play time. There seems to be a very fine line between play mate and parent. Sometimes I feel guilty that I’m not more of a playmate. Jeff can easily switch from parent to playtime while I have trouble even being invited to play land.
March 22nd, 2011 at 8:29 pm
I’m with Sharon (whoever you are!). Daddy-phases are awesome for reading magazines during bath time. Besides (I tell myself) 4 year olds are not exactly taste-makers: they routinely pick the worst books to read over and over again, songs to sing over and over again, outfits to wear over and over again …