if there is one thing that sets contemporary motherhood apart from its historical roots, it’s the element of choice. though finances often remove from the equation issues such as working outside of the home or staying home full-time with the kids, a perplexing maze of options still abounds.

cloth or disposable diapers? breast milk or formula? let the baby cry it out or rush to his bedside? organic food or regular? the traditional vaccination schedule or an alternative? buy him the video game or hold out? enroll her in competitive soccer or stick to rec league? give him a car when he turns 16 or let him ride with teenaged friends? set the curfew at 10:00 or midnight?

according to psychologist and author of the paradox of choice, barry schwartz, “researchers have found that as choices proliferate past a certain point, people tend to get overloaded. they have increasing difficulty making decisions and end up less satisfied with the choices they do make. they are likely to experience regret over their choices, even those that turn out well, because they can easily imagine that other options may have turned out better. they develop unrealistically high expectations about the results of their decisions, and when decisions disappoint, as they almost always do because of those high expectations, they blame themselves. all of this can result in stress, anxiety, and unhappiness.”

in our brief three-and-a-half years of parenting, my husband and i have made our fair share of choices, all of which seem small now that we are trying to decide up on a preschool/elementary school for our older child. and, in keeping with schwartz’ observations, our expectations are sky high. not only do we want our little monkey’s mind to expand in a setting that is not over-structured, we want to meet dozens of fellow parents that will instantly become our new best friends!

but at the risk of becoming stressed, anxious, and unhappy, i do not want to part with the choices available to me. there must be some way to enjoy the freedom and agency involved in decision-making without drowning in a sea of options. to that end, here are some ideas i’ve come up with regarding choices:

1. i’m going to try to part with (or at least pare down) my expectations. let’s all have a moment of silence as i begin to let go of my notion of dozens of instant new best friends.

2. i’m going to… well… MAKE A CHOICE about which decisions in life merit serious attention. in other words, i’m not going to lose sleep trying to decide what color flashlight to give a three-year-old for his birthday.

3. this is my favorite: befriend people who are smart and informed about all the possible parenting decisions and copy their choices. yes, this is how my husband and i purchased our car seat, selected a pediatrician, and devised a sleeping schedule for our infants. thank you gretchen, anne, and sharon, respectively.

4. go with the easiest option: let your small children make their own decisions because you have no more energy for such things. this is how the monkey came to eat donuts for lunch today, for example.

okay, so number 4 is clearly absurd as a regular parenting principle but you get the idea…

[the source for this post can be found in the bibliography page on the sidebar to the right.]

Tags: choices paradox school decisions

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