birds and bees
you never know when a piece of obscure information will turn out to be useful.
take the paragraph in my human development textbook on the subject of “the birds and the bees” chat with children, for example. when i read it six years ago, i could not have predicted that the time would come when this paragraph would be the tiny little rope of rescue that would save me from (yet another) dark abyss of parental cluelessness. how was i to know then that the words, “do not offer more information than your child is requesting” would emerge from the depths of my memory at just the right moment, the moment when the following comedy of errors ensued?
monkey: “mom, how do babies come out of their mommies’ bellies?”
mary allison: “they come out of the vagina, monkey.”
monkey: “mommy, what’s a vagina?”
mary allison: “you know how you have a penis? well girls don’t have penises. we have vaginas instead.”
monkey: “you mean that little hole?”
mary allison: “yep. that little hole.”
monkey: “where the poop comes out?”
mary allison: “nope. a different little hole.”
monkey: [after a ten minute silence] “so… that big old baby comes out of that little bitty hole??”
mary allison: “yep.”
monkey: [shaking his head] “well that’s not good AT ALL!”
mary allison; “tell me about it.”
hilarious that a four year old is able to recognize when the laws of physics are not working in one’s favor.
i suppose the monkey will store these fascinating new insights into the recesses of his memory, and i suppose they too will surface at just the right moment. after all, you never know when a piece of obscure information will turn out to be useful.
but lord help us if my four-year-old has any use for any of this information any time soon!
Tags: babies, birds and bees, child development, four-year-old, human odyssey, kaplan, laws of physics, mary allison
December 1st, 2010 at 11:42 am
Here is the world famous line from sweet Madeleine (age 9) when I told her the birds and bees……..”Sooooo Mom, say Im spending the night with Nana and Papa and that night you and dad “do the sex:”….when I get home you are not going to tell me you guys did the sex are you?” (btw with sheer horror in her eyes).
December 1st, 2010 at 11:43 am
I agree with Monkey…it is definitely a design flaw!
December 1st, 2010 at 1:01 pm
wally has told me my penis looks funny and that he is glad that only girls can make milk because ‘boy milk would be too hairy and yucky”.
December 1st, 2010 at 1:09 pm
Sharon — that is too funny! And, I can *see* that eye roll!
December 1st, 2010 at 2:19 pm
Can you put the Monkey on a plane and let him explain this to Zora?
She’s been asking a whole lost lately about how the baby will be getting out, and I’m kind of at a loss (of course, while we are hoping that this one will take the traditional exit route, the other problem is what to say to Zora when she says: “So, did I come out like that?” Do I just mumble or say, “No, they cut a hole in Mama’s tummy to get you out.”)
December 1st, 2010 at 8:36 pm
I think he figured it out really quickly. There was little unbelief and questioning. A clear sign of intelligence. Plus, he recognized that there might be some pain involved. He is one smart cookie.
December 6th, 2010 at 8:15 am
what an awesome series of exchanges. obviously, i agree with the monkey on his assessment.
December 6th, 2010 at 7:53 pm
I don’t think he will need this information anytime soon. He already knows it is not good AT ALL!