the not-so-fun part
a couple of months ago, when our good friend and neighbor steve passed away suddenly, andy and i dreaded telling the monkey. steve was to the monkey as mr. wilson was to dennis the menace: the object of affectionate and well-meaning pestering. (steve’s patience, however, far exceed that of mr. wilson!)
the comings and goings of “buddy steve,” marked by the roar of a diesel engine, were more accurate and dependable measures of time for the monkey than the PBS children’s television lineup. and that’s saying a lot.
so, when i tearfully explained to the monkey that buddy steve had passed away, i braced myself for heartbreaking four-year-old despair. instead, the monkey simply said,
“okay. can i go play now?”
the heartbreaking four-year-old despair came yesterday, as the monkey was recalling how buddy steve and andy had fixed his sink eight or ten months ago. “buddy steve died,” he informed me. “but daddy’s never going to die.”
part of me wishes that i had simply lied to the monkey and affirmed his notion that his daddy will live forever. instead, i told him that nobody lives forever. then, both of us came unraveled as he applied this theory to mommy, himself, and finally to “the whole wide world.” with tears streaming down his face, he crawled into my arms and wailed,
“the whole wide world is going to die.”
then, in what i believe was actually an appropriate action of disbelief and rage, he pitched a fit which resulted in a swift headbutt to my right cheek bone.
the rest of the day and evening were marked by periodic and tearful conversations about death and the same kinds of hopeful promises i remember hearing from my mom and dad, that we are going to be around for a long, long time. i believe it’s our job to give the monkey a sense of stability. i also believe we are to ease him into the notion that the world is not all rainbows and butterflies.
the latter, in all of its various forms, just might be the most excruciating task of parenting.
Tags: dennis the menace, die, headbutt, live forever, monkey, mr. wilson, rainbows and butterflies, stability
January 2nd, 2011 at 6:58 am
Heartbreaking four-year-old despair is extra heartbreaking to a parent. Sometimes I’m glad that people don’t live forever (like when they are sick and suffering), and sometimes I wail that “the whole wide world is going to die.” And sometimes I am happy about that big banquet in the sky, where our loved ones are having a great time and will welcome us with big smiles and open arms when it’s our turn to go!
January 2nd, 2011 at 9:05 am
my 4 year old is also intrigued with the idea of death right now… but she hasn’t gotten to the heartbreaking part. she often says that “when julia (sister) dies, i’ll get all her toys.” and i hear her talking to her animals at night: “when i die, i’ll get to be in heaven with Jesus. we’ll just hang out with God. He lives in my tummy now, but then we’ll live in heaven together.” (she has the “Jesus lives in my heart” and “babies grow in mommies’ tummies” mixed up a bit.)
however, no one she knows closely has died… just a frog, and she hardly seems bothered by that. i’ll file this post away for that day so i remember to watch out for the head butt. : )
January 2nd, 2011 at 6:20 pm
Wow. You rock so hard for taking that deep breath and then telling the monkey that nobody lives forever. I really hope I’ll be strong enough to do that if/when the moment comes! I’m really inspired.
January 2nd, 2011 at 7:03 pm
Oh, dear. I’m so not ready for this kind of conversation yet…
January 2nd, 2011 at 7:40 pm
That’s just the way I feel. I would like to give somebody a headbutt. I don’t ever want any of my family or friends, or me, to leave this beautiful earth. I love it here. I want all the people who are gone, to come back.
January 3rd, 2011 at 1:14 pm
You are such a brave momma. And I’m with Katherine .
January 6th, 2011 at 5:49 am
cheers! i raise my glass to you, ma. it’s a sacred task, and daunting one, to talk to our children about death. we grieve throughout our lives in ways we grieve in the earliest times.
it’s not all rainbows and butterflies, indeed. though, even rainbows and butterflies see a little loss & change in their making.