does it ever get easier?
is there such a thing as military school for two-year-olds?
this is the question that began to plague me about ten days in to our mountain vacation. ten days seems to be the duration of time that the bird is willing to feign compliance and cooperation in a camp or school-like environment. he affords everyone just enough time to fall in love with him before his teachers report, with measured caution and disbelief:
[the bird] was a little agressive today.
i found myself having the same discussions with the bird’s clubs teachers that i had with his PDO teachers last year. i apologized. i asked for advice. i sincerely hoped that they could impart the key to managing the bird’s behavior and maintaining his magnanimous spirit. but in both cases, the teachers had no new ideas.
i think the moment that elicited images of boot camp and boarding school was when the bird’s teachers asked me how to deal with the bird. this felt very confusing. isn’t it obvious that i have no idea what i am doing?
somehow, and for no clear reason, things did get a little better. the bird did not get kicked out of clubs. maybe he won’t even be kicked out of every school in memphis before he’s ten. one can dream. as i was nursing these worries (as i am genetically prone to do), i shot a quick email to my friend sharon in pennsylvania, who has given me quite a bit of unimposing, sage motherhood advice over the years.
“does it every get easier?” i wrote.
within a few hours i was reading the following reply that was so encouraging i got permission to share it:
parenting gets easier when everyone can use the potty without help, no one is sleeping in a crib (but everyone stays in their bed all night more nights than not), and everyone has at least some ability (however rarely used) to verbalize what they need. it also helps if no one requires a stroller or pacifier or elaborate car seat (belt-positioning boosters are much easier than five-point harnesses).
and finally, parenting is easier when your family figures out a behavior management system that works for you (meaning the kids respond to it and the parents are able to use it somewhat consistently). we use a significantly pared-down version of positive parenting with a plan (it’s for kindergarten and up, though). friends have had luck with the smart discipline approach (also for kindergarten and up). the point is…IT DOES GET EASIER. you’re probably at a really difficult stage, i would guess, based on the ages of your little guys. hang in there.
it’s helpful to know that there is hope (and a couple of new behavior management options) on our horizon. for now, the best i can do is maintain a sense of humor and strive for patience.
…and send the bird to clubs in this carefully selected, organic cotton shirt:
Tags: agressive, behavior managment, boarding school, boot camp, clubs, does it ever get easier?, humor, military school, patience, positive parenting with a plan, smart discipline
August 4th, 2011 at 8:08 am
Mary Allison – Hang in there! We went through no fewer than three preschools in two and half years before William started kindergarten (and even at a ‘thinks very highly of itself private school’ kindergarten was an absolute disaster!) William is a bright, kind, highly social, HIGH energy kid. It was incredibly frustrating to deal with preschools who only want nice quiet little girls (and I have a nice quiet little girl, so nothing against them.) I seriously got emailed by one school while I WAS AT WORK to tell me that William wouldn’t lay down at nap time and was up and running around the room. Exactly how am I supposed to do anything about that? “Well, that sounds like YOUR problem. I don’t call you from work to come fix what’s not going right for me here! And it also sounds like William is in charge of the classroom, not the teacher!” Presumably, people running preschools, etc. are the PROFESSIONALS in the early childhood development business, but from my experience I got absolutely zero constructive help from any of them. It was a hard time. It got to the point with the kindergarten teacher that I just wanted to wring her neck! She would send home these daily reports about all the “warnings” that William would get throughout the day. It had no effect whatsoever on his behavior other than to make him feel lousy about himself and school. I let it go on for far too long before finally snapping one day and sending her an email to tell her that I absolutely was not interested in how many warnings William got during the day because it did not provide me any way to help him to be more successful in school. (We had several conferences before this; every time we met it seemed to me she just wanted to complain. She never provided any constructive ideas as to how to work together to improve the situation.) Sorry about the long rant, it’s just I’ve been there. It *does* get better, and you also do still want to wring their necks! (Of course.) We had a fabulous first grade teacher who really worked well with William, and we also started him on some ADHD medication. That gave him the focus he needed to get some good learning done in school, but he’s still 100% ON! Now that we’re in Belgium I’m planning to put him in the Belgian school so that he can have the French immersion experience, but we’ll have to see how it goes. Fingers crossed. I wish you the best! You are not alone. Find the people who support you and your boys and ignore the rest.
August 4th, 2011 at 8:41 am
Thanks. Needed that. While Z was apparently a perfect angel at clubs, she had some earth-cracking melt downs with me while we were traveling… which have basically continued. I am praying that there is a unit in kindergarten called: how to be nice to your parents.
August 4th, 2011 at 9:37 am
how frustrating, meredith! and how great that things with william have improved so much. this is encouraging. somehow, we have had the great fortune of having all wonderful teachers for both boys, in clubs and in preschool. and in our case, i almost feel a little better when they suggest things to do at home that are already part of our regular practice (time outs, etc.). it’s strangely comforting to know that the experts are stumped too.
and erica, i am praying for that unit in kingergarten too, because while the monkey is a little angel at school, his home life is an entirely different matter! so sorry the meltdowns have continued.
August 4th, 2011 at 11:57 am
Love the t-shirt!! Great idea to send him in that
August 4th, 2011 at 4:48 pm
I have been asking myself the same questions since I had my first. He is definitely my most difficult child as he is a tester, he is strong-willed, and he needs to learn things the hard way before he finally learns them.
His first year of preschool was challenging. He was in time-out 3 times the first day for pushing another kid and hitting. His second year was better and his teachers said that he listened very well (which shocked my husband and I) and that he was a good model for the first-year preschool kids (huh?!). Things got very good when he started a kindergarten transition program, where he went to school one full day a week in the kindergarten class with other kindergarten kids (and others that were getting ready for kindergarten). He learned the routine, loved the independence and enjoyed being a part of school life. I should mention that he attends a small school. It is a francophone school, K-6 whose student population is about 55. For the whole school. That means there is a real family sense there and all the staff know all the students, including my son. He will be starting kindergarten in the fall, and although he says he doesn’t want to go, he talks about school supplies and recess and seeing his friends. Kids grow up a lot in 2 years
August 6th, 2011 at 6:40 am
Thank you so much for this post, MA. I needed this. I have felt crazy lately. And, I’ve been beating myself up (which I’m prone to do) because none of my parenting seems to be working or at least working in the ways I want it too. I woke up this morning thinking “Will I ever have a day when I don’t loose my cool?” It is so unnerving to every day have moments when I am utterly irritable. It feels better to know I am not alone and that maybe “this too shall pass.” Hoping… Caroline