wherein i explain that my husband is not jesus.
if you could take a gander into the recesses of my brain these days, you would see something like this:
yes, this is my kitchen. yes, that is a floaty. yes, it’s january. that about sums it up.
the disarray that once marked only my physical world has elbowed its way into my head. i find myself in awe of mothers who are still able to form and share coherent, insightful ideas. when i rummage around underneath the bibs and soccer trophies from two years ago, all i can come up with is a long-winded, ever-growing, increasingly hostile, feminist rant.
i see friends in restaurants and get random emails from folks who are wondering what happened to my regular posts. i tell them about the not-so-nice rant that i am not-so-eager to share. they all tell me to share it. “your blog is all about honesty, they say.” “aren’t you the one who preaches that it’s our generation’s job to tell the truth?”
yes. dammit.
it’s just that i fear that my writing skills aren’t sophisticated enough to temper and organize the fire that could be unleashed on the internet of all places. for example, this is just a small portion of the mess that has exploded into my thoughts.
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observation: a husband arriving home from work with eleven grocery items in tow should not be mistaken for jesus christ.
if you are at my house when this happens, there is no need to make a fuss about this display of ordinary responsibility. it is true that grocery shopping has traditionally been “woman’s work,” and i am thrilled to have a progressive husband. but nobody falls all over themselves when i go to my part time job outside of the home, which greatly resembles what has traditionally been called “man’s work.”
furthermore, when i carry on with all of my work, both inside the home and outside the home, i do so with the constant feeling that i am falling short. there are always mountains of laundry on the couch in my bedroom. there are always dirty dishes in the sink. there are always deeper relationships to forge with the college students i encounter at work. my part-time ministry, though it is gaining momentum, looks meager next to the full-time ministries happening all around me.
my progressive husband (who really is a good one!) experiences the opposite phenomenon. he’s good at his job, and he is able to dedicate the proper time and energy to it. he’s involved in the kids’ lives, and he even folds laundry. in all of his work, inside and outside the home, he blows the expectations out of the water. in fact, he walks on water, some would say.
the problem is not that other wives elevate my spouse to divine status. rather, the issue is that in the south, where i live, the sight of a dad pushing a grocery cart is (apparently) still a shocking display. women working outside of the home? that’s ordinary. but men folding laundry? what a miracle!
and here is my profound conclusion, folks. are you ready for it? okay. here it comes: THIS IS NOT FAIR.
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end of rant #1. more to come. consider yourself warned.
p.s. you’re welcome, anna.
Tags: expectations, falling short, feminist, grocery, jesus christ, progressive, rant, south, walking on water
January 11th, 2012 at 9:00 am
Preach it MA! When I was pregnant with #2 child my former supervisor asked if I would be taking some time off to stay home, knowing full well that I was the primary bread winner in our house. Then when my admittedly wonderful husband stayed home for #2s first year because we’d moved for me to start a new job people were amazed. When he was going back to work it hit me that if I’d taken that year and stayed home it would have been written off, but his staying home was a banner to be waived. THIS IS ALSO NOT FAIR!
January 11th, 2012 at 10:43 am
Life is not fair. Instead of worrying about whats fair and not fair, I tune out the haters and what society decides which family roles are appropriate, hip, old-fashioned, or whatever else. I relish in the fact that i have a degree in a field that allows me to care for peoples lives with my two hands. Even though the career which i am pursuing right now with my hands is raising my children. I also relish in the things I can do that a man cant. Carry a baby for 9 months, childbirth, nursing, and so much more that I would not trade to fit in to society’s definition of progressive. Do what you do, work or stay at home, with love and nothing else will really matter.
January 11th, 2012 at 10:33 pm
So true and timely for me! I have returned to a part time position, and while I know of several other moms that I work with who are not only juggling, but doing so FULL time, the comments from all of my male colegues, and some of students is akin to “WOW, all this with little kids at home?” I cannot decide if this is more pure amazement without knowledge of the others or if it is subtle nod to their view of my “traditional” role?
January 13th, 2012 at 12:28 pm
How about when it’s just considered normal that I, as Mom, to go to my out-of-the-home job (with Eli as potter, now with Hazel it’s my job at the church) and to bring the baby and strap him/her onto my body and perform at optimum levels of efficiency and quality. No one would EVER expect that from Eric. He walked by my office the other day and I was making copies while standing on one leg and rocking crying Hazel’s carseat with the other foot.
I think I might be Jesus.
But laundry…forget it.
January 13th, 2012 at 9:48 pm
So happy you wrote it! I have been out of town since Wednesday or else I would have responded earlier! It isn’t fair. My husband not only folds but does the laundry more often than I do and everyone tells me how lucky I am… Which I am… but why isn’t anyone telling him he’s lucky too? Glad you got it out there and happy that kismet sent us together at Tsunami where both Andy and Tod were lucky to be there with us
January 16th, 2012 at 6:36 pm
right??! my husband let me have a few hours by myself last week… which was great. and i appreciate it so much. but then i said i was irritated with the kids & feeling behind on all my commitments a few days later, to which he replied, ‘but you just had some time away…?’
and i realize that he has no context for understanding my point of view. he is by himself whenever he chooses to be, and he stays out until he finishes his work. then he comes home and can be ‘fully here,’ which i recognize not all men can/will do. my life is the exact opposite- i have to do all of it all the time, and i’m ‘gifted’ moments by myself every few weeks. i’ll take up your refrain… ‘it’s not fair.’ : )