baby lust
i began talking about child number three when i was pregnant with child number two. this was a pretty bold move for someone who spent nearly four years under the impression that she might not be able to have children at all. but two in vitro attempts led to two successful pregnancies, and for the first time i allowed myself to envision myself with a house full of children.
but the second pregnancy was a tropical storm of emotions. for almost six months we reacted to quad-screen test results by preparing ourselves to welcome a special-needs child. we searched (unsuccessfully) at the offices of specialists and in the many alcoves of the internet for definitive predictions regarding our little bird’s number of chromosomes. if we could have checked out for a while, filled our car with plenty of gas and taken an evacuation route to sunnier pastures, we would have.
but this pregnancy was not like that. it was the constant, embodied awareness of darkness and light, fear and joy, reluctance and exuberance. there was no way out but through.
it’s funny how the female memory works. i can recall and describe the experience of my second pregnancy, but i am no longer capable of conjuring up and experiencing its particular level of agony. likewise, the pain of childbirth and the sleeplessness of the newborn phase are wrapped up and obscured in my head by a spectacular sense of wonder and awe.
saved from the monkey's first haircut
apparently, the male memory does not work this way. when the subject of child number three comes up, my husband, who has become the official keeper of the more base realities of pregnancy, childbirth, and newborn parenting, reminds me of the tropical storm we just barely survived in 2009. “why,” he pleads, “why and HOW could we ever survive that again?”
nevertheless, i have baby lust. ayelet waldmen reminds me that i am not alone:
“other women in the park are having these same internal debates, i think. when a newborn shows up, there’s a pause, a hiccup in the general hubbub. we all stare, misty-eyed. we coo; we ooh. and then someone’s kid whacks someone else’s on the head with a shovel, or a toddler gets stuck on the top of the slide and gives a wrenching shriek, and we all briskly shake off that gentle longing” (bad mother, 182).
maybe baby lust is merely the biological pull that ensures that the human species will persist. it doesn’t feel like this though. it feels more like standing at the edge of the creative center of the universe. staying outside of it takes almost as much of an emotional toll as bravely venturing in.
Tags: ayelet waldman, baby lust, bad mother, childbirth, in vitro, memory, newborn, pregnancy, sleeplessness
August 11th, 2010 at 9:12 am
So well put. Love the last few lines…that is exactly where I am as we celebrate Baby H’s first birthday this weekend!
August 11th, 2010 at 9:25 am
Every day is a struggle for me with a six-month old but I still am dreaming about when the next will come along. I was on a baby names website last night. I am crazy! Thanks for the post.
August 11th, 2010 at 9:29 am
i love this so much….though I am very content with my two girls and am definitly at peace with our decision to just have two..there are days, weeks, months when I do have baby lust. I love my girls with all of my being and have loved every wonderful and awful second with them. You are so right that women do tend to have amnesia when it comes to childbirth, sleepless nites and so forth, i think of that amnesia as a wonderful gift. I cannot wait to have amnesia about the teenage years, my oldest turns 13 soon. I have many blessings/gifts in my life but by far motherhood is the greatest of all.
August 11th, 2010 at 9:33 am
Exactly! We just celebrated our twins first birthday and already i wonder if we could handle a fourth
August 11th, 2010 at 11:42 am
I have those moments that Ayelet describes so often especially since I am surrounded by so many women who are younger than I and having children. Since my husbands eyes widened at the prospect of two (which we have and adore) if I even bring up a third he all but cowers in the corner at the idea. And I’m not sure I want a 3rd child, but what I wouldn’t give for that experience just for a little bit again. Maybe because I was so busy and overwhelmed with my previous pregnancies I wish I could have given them the time and attention I believe they warrented. Suffice it to say, as I look down the barrel at 40 it isn’t likely but it doesn’t mean I don’t muse and lust at the prospect.
August 11th, 2010 at 12:20 pm
Wonderful post!! You do forget the sleepness nights, the constant feedings, the “what-ifs” you tortured yourself with. Amazing how a little smile or that baby smell wipes all of those memories away!!
August 11th, 2010 at 7:40 pm
Thank you so much for this post. You read my mind (not for the first time either)!
August 11th, 2010 at 7:43 pm
I’d love to have more babies… but we decided more would stretch our finances to a point that would make us nervous. I’m hoping that as my youngest (8 months) grows, I can rechannel my energy from baby lust into the exciting things about having KIDS.
I don’t really know what it’s like to have KIDS. My oldest is only 3.5- still not quite into that realm. I’m apprehensive about it.
That said, I was REALLY apprehensive about having babies, and that came pretty naturally to me… so I’m hoping having kids is even better, since I already KNOW the people involved!
August 11th, 2010 at 9:49 pm
Stop reading my mind! James would die if he knew, but I have baby lust too. I remember those quite moments, nursing my child, snuggling with a newborn. And I still think I could do even better this time with all the sleeplessness and nursing and milk supply, etc…
Doesn’t help that a majority of the bloggers I read have newborns too…:)
Thanks for the post. Seems you are not alone.
August 12th, 2010 at 3:49 pm
I’m with you…I would love to have just one more. My husband thinks I’m a tad crazy as he remembers the sleepless nights and the craziness of newborn just like your husband! But I’d love to have one more newborn to cuddle and one more little one to be part of our family. We’ll see….