if you are going to play with the fire, please use a different stick.
they say that having children is the kiss of death to parents’ brain cells.
i now stand in the kitchen and think, “where do we keep the plates? why am i forgetting this? is it part of the aging process or because i am distracted by the naked bird who is drawing all over himself while standing on the kitchen counter? i guess i’ll never know.”
the very same adults who excel in the board room, the court room, and the classroom, people who have been forming reasonable sentances all of their lives, say the most ridiculous things to their children.
my friend who has a phD drew my attention to this phenomenon. it seems that no amount of schooling can prevent one from uttering words such as:
watch out for the broccoli on the stairs.
i have two (TWO!) friends who confess to having said to their kids with great authority:
do not lick the car.
in just a week of paying attention to my own absurd directives, i have been appalled as the following words have left my lips:
hold your sandwich so i can wipe your bottom.
if you are going to play with the fire, please use a different stick.
you may not hit your brother in the swimming pool.
and finally, in reference to the above mentioned kitchen counter escapades of the bird:
do not color your penis.
the good news is that all of this stuff made perfect sense in context. the bad news is that parenting presents the most preposterous series of contexts!
in the coming weeks, i’m going to be reporting on the wacko words that escape my mouth, and i hope you’ll do the same. send me your own personal versions of authoritative nonsense.
what we are losing in brain cells, we might just make up for in hysterical fits of laughter.
Tags: absurd, board room, brain cells, broccoli, classroom, court room, elise, parenting, sharon
August 9th, 2011 at 7:32 am
amazing! i have some version of all of these, and this makes me feel much less crazy! “stop licking the toilet” and “you may not use the handtowel to wipe your bottom” are the best that come to mind…
August 9th, 2011 at 9:07 am
I have said “don’t lick the car” more than once. But having twins means saying something 3 times….once for each kid and once to repeat yourself to both.
August 9th, 2011 at 10:32 am
Don’t lick the car tire has been one of mine in the past. I’ll have others soon. Also “you don’t have to take off all your clothes to go potty.”
August 9th, 2011 at 12:24 pm
What color was the penis going to be?
August 9th, 2011 at 1:49 pm
green
August 9th, 2011 at 8:28 pm
Aaaaaah yes! Yes! Yes! I forget where the plates are, what I was doing 2 seconds ago, and even where I live! And our frequent favorites are, “please keep your mouth to yourself” and “no you may not pee right there.”
August 15th, 2011 at 12:45 pm
I found myself saying, “Don’t lick the dog’s tail!” yesterday. As if licking some other part of the dog would be okay.