towanda!
a few weeks after the birth of my first child, i schlepped him with me to church to lead a study group. the monkey wore a sweet little gown made for him by my mother. i wore the proudest of mama smiles. but as we emerged from the car, all dapper and ebullient, we were met by this unsolicited piece of advice from one of MANY of the world’s mothering “experts:”
“THAT CHILD NEEDS A HAT!”
i stammered and stalled and ultimately just carried my little bundle inside. it was not until the days and weeks that followed that i had come up with a myriad of explanations and comebacks, the chief of which was,
“IT’S THE SUMMER IN MEMPHIS, LADY. HEY, LET’S STAND OUT HERE IN THE PARKING LOT AND SEE IF WE COULD GET AN EGG TO BOIL ON YOUR FACE!”
i know that i am not the only one who is appalled at the things that mothers say to each other. here are some classic examples from i was a really good mom before i had kids:
- “you’ve got 20 hours of help a week? aren’t you a stay-at-home mom?”
- “how did you guys manage to take so many date nights for yourselves? don’t you feel selfish?”
- “have you asked your kids’ dentist about all the candy they eat?”
- “do your kids feel cramped sharing a room?”
- “that’s so cute — he has spider-man shoes and a spider-man lunchbox. does he watch a lot of TV?” (Ashworth & Nobile, 65).
i think it was around the time i staged the 500th imaginary do-over of the church parking lot scene in my head (each one with wittier comebacks and kathy-bates-in-fried-green-tomatoes-type-vengeance) that i had a conversation with another church lady, and this time a very wise one.
she lamented that as a young mother, she wasted too much energy dwelling on the bombardments of “advice” coming from all directions. as a result, she instituted a standard reply that concisely and diplomatically captured her sentiments: “i am shocked by your rudeness,” she would say to the mothering “experts.”
i love this statement. it is powerful, not only because it gives befuddled moms a way to calmly express themselves but also because it saves said befuddled moms from later spending precious headspace on ego-driven inner dialogues!
next time i go to a baby shower where the mother-to-be is receiving all sorts of useful things like diaper bags, burp cloths, and monitors, i’m going to give the honoree something that will be equally useful: the wise church lady’s one-liner — the key to maintaining the proudest of mama smiles. it’s quite a good gift, when you consider the possible alternative:
Tags: advice, experts, mommy wars, towanda
March 18th, 2010 at 6:50 am
One of my favorite comments I receieved as a young mom was directed at my parenting choice to wear my babies in slings, wraps, etc, when we were out (and actually, when we were at home a lot, too!). One day someone said to me “Do you think you live in a 3rd world country? Put that baby down – doesn’t he have a carseat?” I wish I had had the “I am shocked at your rudeness” comment under my belt that day!
March 18th, 2010 at 7:17 am
Oh I wish I had been given this gift earlier, but with a 7 month old I am sure I will still have plenty of opportunities to use it. My favorites are all the ones that start with the word ‘just’ like “JUST let her figure it out” or “JUST don’t give her the pacifier” – I would like to invite each of them to spend one sleepless night at my house and send them out the door with “Now, aren’t you shocked by your rudeness?”
March 18th, 2010 at 8:06 am
What IS it with “older ladies” and hats?? Why are they so obsessed with babies wearing hats? I used to get that comment ALL the time when M was little.
March 18th, 2010 at 8:34 am
That would have been the perfect response to the woman at Hancock’s the other day. I stood holding my screaming child in mid meltdown, unable to walk out and she turns to her friend while looking at me and declares her disdain for parents that could “let” their child behave that way in public. I just looked at her and had no idea what to say. Wish I had been armed with this post!
March 18th, 2010 at 8:53 am
isn’t it amazing… why do we do this to each other? and will we remember NOT to do this when we are ‘well meaning church ladies?’
my favorite comments are, “somebody’s hungry!” and “somebody’s tired!”
do you really think that i don’t know if my child needs food or sleep? like i’m completely ignorant of their needs & just go traipsing to the grocery any old time i please?
‘no, she’s not hungry. no, she’s not tired. she doesn’t want to be at the grocery store.’ that was my answer, usually with a polite pastor’s wife kind of smile. and then i’d cuss her out when i was alone in my car. : )
by the way, i am working on the questions you sent me… i’m just slow! : )
March 18th, 2010 at 9:03 am
love it. love it. LOVE IT!!!!!!
March 18th, 2010 at 9:06 am
Can you please translate that into Swiss German for me? My husband has tried to soften my feelings towards the many elderly people here who offer advice by saying that it is nice to live in a community where all old people see themselves in a grandparent role. However, I just didn’t have the vocabulary necessary the other day to tell a man that my son had pulled his hat off for the 18th time in five minutes and that I was just going to walk the next block quickly. When out with a friend, a woman actually brought over a cup of water to my friend’s twin daughters and said that they looked awfully thirsty and then proceeded to give them sips! Ah, towanda indeed!
March 18th, 2010 at 11:10 am
Oh how I would love to write that wise church lady a thank you note! “I am shocked by your rudeness” shall be my new mantra. I, too, am appalled at how often I’ll have the chance to use it. Some people say the rudest things about twins!
Thank you, Mary Allison, for the MakeShift Revolution. I think you’re doing really important work here.
March 18th, 2010 at 8:07 pm
Love this post!! And we’re thrilled you like our first book!
Cheers,
Amy Nobile & Trisha Ashworth, co-authors
“I Was A Really Good Mom Before I Had Kids”
“Dirty Little Secrets From Otherwise Perfect Moms”
“I’d Trade My Husband For a Housekeeper”