monday was parent/teacher conference day at the monkey’s school. with his seize the clay shenanigans  still weighing heavily on my mind, i folded my limbs into a plastic preschool chair and sat across the table from the monkey’s teachers with but one defense: nothing they could say about this child would shock me. having been to the depths of disastrous public behavior with the monkey on more than one occasion, i am becoming immune to the natural embarrassment one feels when one’s four-year-old turns into a frat boy from the movie animal house. 

but i was wrong. the teachers’ words were shocking. apparently, if gandhi and mother teresa were to have a baby together, one blessed with every ounce of compassion, social awareness, and self direction possessed by his parents, that child would come close to behaving as well as the monkey behaves at school.

the teachers suggested that perhaps the monkey uses up every ounce of his self-control at school, and that home is a place that is comfortable enough for him to let loose. as much as i sometimes wish that the angelic behavior were reserved for me, perhaps it’s better this way. at school, he’s learning how to participate in the order of society and make positive contributions to the community. and at home (and unfortunately in public), he is free to examine the roaring undercurrent of emotions that sweeps through his and all of human experience.

as much as it feels like i am getting the raw end of the deal, i’m glad that the monkey seems to know deep down, that andy and i are the two people in this world who will love him fiercly no matter what.

i returned last night from the young clergy women’s conference, the topic of which was “leading as ourselves.” as i sat in the sub-artic environs of our candler divinity school classroom and looked around at my fellow girl preachers, i was struck by both awe and jealousy. many of these women work full time in the church or other para-church settings. some of them have children, some of them work part-time or half-time, but very few seemed to be on the piecemeal job plan as i am, stringing together a haphazard collection of part-time gigs with the trials and rewards of stay-at-home motherhood.

i learned later, of course, that i am not the only one holding my life and life’s work together with odd combinations of pipe cleaners, vestments, therapy, wine, and a steam mop. the room was full of those who long, as i did, to have children; those who struggle for balance of all kinds; those who are facing transitions; and those who are wrestling with issues of identity. 

i did not know all of this on day one, though, when one of our beloved speakers, melissa clodfelter, asked us what leadership-related topics we would like to cover in our time together. so, i raised my hand and explained that i am often trying to lead from the margins. because of my simultaneous frustration and delight with the church and my desire to spend the majority of my time with the monkey and the bird, i am never central to the church’s power structures. i often feel like an outsider, and i wonder if i can ever actually effectively lead from this position. though i felt as if i were speaking only for myself at the conference, i know that the world is full of women who feel marginalized in the workplace, whether for reasons of choice or unfair circumstance. what kind of leadership do we, the women on the fringes, have to offer?

i was relieved when melissa answered that the margins are the places from which true leadership emerges. it is only by stepping outside of the structures that rule our world that we gain the perspective needed to change things. fitting in is not a prerequisite for effective leadership, as evidenced by gandhi, martin luther king jr., and jesus christ, himself! in fact, affecting change requires an uncomfortable, liminal type of existance.

i am beginning to see that leadership, from my own personal margins might look like this:

• changing the world, by raising boys who are emotionally intelligent, compassionate, and justice-seeking. brown eyes over scrambled eggs, and all that…
• remaining on the fringes of church in order to speak from a place of perspective and insight.
• remaining connected to the church so that my perspective and insight will matter.
• writing here about what it’s like to try fashion a real, meaningful life that honors my own leanings as well as the legacies handed down to me by superwomen, fifties housewives, and everyone in between.

but mostly, i’m beginning to be thankful that i never quite fit in anywhere. in an odd sort of way, i am in good company. and there is meaning to be found in the margins and proclaimed to the world. thanks for joining me in this process — this little makeshift revolution.