if there is one word that has been used throughout the centuries to describe the complex and ever-evolving vocation of motherhood, it is SACRIFICE. there is the physical sacrifice of the body’s shape, the luxury of sleep, and necessary attention to hygiene and self-care. there is the mental shift from adult conversation to peek-a-boo antics and from reading the new york times to highlights magazine. there are the social cutbacks that result when gatherings are carefully planned around nap times and sitters’ schedules, and sleep becomes more enticing than a night on the town. and of course, there are the more existential sacrifices — the sad farewells to those parts of a mother’s identity she once held so dear. we are left uttering phrases such as, “before i had kids, i was on track to become a partner in the firm,” or “before i had kids, i used to love to paint.” even those of us whose lives are a far cry from “father knows best” have given up quite a bit to become mothers.

instead of examining motherhood’s association with sacrifice, our society (with the help of religion) has idealized unconditional self-sacrificial love. but there seems to be a growing number of modern mothers who are grappling with the ideals of heroism and self-diminishment and looking for something more. futhermore, it isn’t even really accurate to describe the whole of motherood as sacrifice. in an article entitled, “parenting: mutual love and sacrifice,” author christine gudorf writes about parenting her two adopted children with medical handicaps. she asserts,

“the most revealing lesson the children taught us is that love can never be disinterested…. every achievement of the child is both a source of pride and a freeing of the parent from responsibility for the child…. all love both involves sacrifice and aims at mutuality.”

in other words, sacrifice is only part of a larger progression toward mutuality.

in her book entitled also a mother, bonnie j. miller-mclemore writes,

“even  in the earliest moments of nurture the nurturer receives something in return, and hopes to continue to do so. the ideal [of unconditional self-sacrifice] harms persons, particularly women, who already are over programmed to give endlessly, leaving them ashamed of the self-interest that naturally accompanies their love…. parents, and mothers in particular, do better to admit, and even affirm, their limits and the hopes and needs they harbor, both in relationship to their children and in regard to their own work” (164).

though motherhood and sacrifice will forever be intertwined, there is more to the story. there are endless gifts, from the first “i love you” to the great privilege of seeing the world anew through the eyes of our children. on my quest to find the middle ground between june cleaver and superwoman, i’ve found many compelling truths but the chief of them is this:

we are not to give everything up, nor are we to try to have it all. and somewhere in between these extremes, amidst all the moments of depravity and richness, there is mutuality, a mutuality that has the potential to increase as we journey further down the road of motherhood.

[sources for this post are located on the bibliography page found in the sidebar to your right.]